12 years old - First experience of “love.” I was compared daily to a list of celebrities he liked. And compared to one specific girl in our school who was tall, skinny. “She wear band tees and I like that, you never wear band tees.” Compared to girls that could skateboard. Called fat. Molested in a basement. Raped in an abandoned house. Abandoned for someone else.

13 years old - Cute popular guy, much older than me, fingered me at his house and then made his friends smell his hands and washed them furiously, to make fun of how disgusting I was.

14 years old - First experience of being cheated on. I asked him to choose marijuana over me, he chose marijuana. Mom walked in on us and made me change schools. Cried over him for months.

15 years old - Five year age difference. Romeo and Juliet, manipulation. Emotionally and verbally abused. Mom hated him, got a restraining order. I was blamed. Compared to a girl whose parents accepted him. She also didnt care how much he would drink. Every other week he dumped one of us for the other. He also fucked my best friend. Two years of manipulation.

16 years old - Met a guy at my first job. Taught me how to smoke weed. Taught me about jam bands. Belittled me for being in highschool. Dumped me by bringing me flowers. Tried to get me back after I found someone else by writing me a poem. Bullied me and my family on facebook with his friends. Used me for sex years later. Still hates me. I will always think its my fault.

17 years old - Dated my best friend. Was a fucked up person from the years of abuse. Cheated on him and everyone constantly. Manipulated everyone, dated multiple people.

18 years old - Had an “open relationship” because I learned that monogamy was impossible. No one would ever want to stay just with me. Went to college and got fucked over. Could not function normally in friendships or relationships. Learned that alcohol can make you black out and feel good temporarily. Even with complete freedom, he still left me and chose someone else.

19 years old - Dated a 37 year old. He was obsessed with me and placed me above all other humans. Thought I was his reason for being born. I fucked around. I was young and scared.

20 years old - Dated a drunk artist who was paranoid that I was having affairs with him friends. He would black out and go missing. Would scream at me when he was drunk. Apologized the next day always with chocolate. Had to let him go. Fell for his friend who was manipulative. Lost a lot of friends. Made many hate me.

21 years old - Fell in love with a blonde guitarist who did too much acid. Suddenly, commitment came easy. Thought I was fixed. Thought I found my soul mate. He replaced me instantly when I went to South Africa for my semester abroad. He chose someone else. One year of agonizing pain.

22 years old - Dated multiple men, slept around, desparate, broken, searching ravenously like a starving animal for someone to love me. On the list were multiple foreign men, a dope addict, multiple psychotic artists, my good friend, a babyfaced sophomore, a married man, all of whom were fully accepted by me for their flaws. All of whom were completely loved and desired by me. All of whom were fully welcomed into my world with open arms and full acceptance. All of whom completely abandoned me. Was saved by one man who loved me, dated him for a year, moved to South Africa, broke under the loneliness of long distance, kept him for comfort, lost him in the end because I am still broken.

Turning 23 years old - Fell for another one. Crossed countries (literally) just to be with him. He chose someone else.

So. My 23rd year of life. Not my 11th year of dating. My first year of independent healing. Getting back the love I gave away and reclaiming myself. Looking back at the past ten years, I am heartbroken. I am heartbroken because I lost myself.

It all started with a bad heartbreak two years ago. Seems like many good things come from heartbreaks honestly. (Even with a broken heart as I write this, we all know this is true in our hearts).

I was studying abroad in Cape Town, South Africa for the first time around (2014) and felt completely fucking alone. I couldnt enjoy anything because I kept seeing myself and the world through lonely heartbroken eyes with no one to share with (from my own depressed perspective of course, because in reality I had tons of support that I wasnt appreciating. I was blind). I felt so trapped in my own body, isolated. Even while seeing the most beautiful sites in the world, traveling with the most beautiful people I have met in my life to date, I was in the lowest place. I felt abandoned and worthless and unappreciated! It was like, if you cant appreciate an amazing woman that travels across the planet and has such a beautiful perspective & heart… then something must be really wrong with her to make her not worth waiting for… I felt like because he didnt choose me, I was worthless! Everything was a vicious cycle of being reminded of him, and therefore being reminded of my worthlessness. But I realized slowly that I had to heal in this new wild lonesome place…

It all started when I bought myself flowers every weekend. Flowers have the power to psychologically calm us due to the fact that they are indications of safe and fertile lands, and this lets our primitive brain relax (especially as females). Every weekend without fail. I went to this market alone or not alone and bought myself flowers.

Then it was coffee and lunch. I would take a train ride to the most beautiful beach town of Kalk Bay and eat food at Olympia Cafe. The 40 minute train ride, alone. The food, alone. Walking around the town, alone. Bookstores, alone (that is an easy one for beginners). Beach, alone. Braved the cold. Braved the loneliness.

I started drinking and writing alone. Who did I think I was, Ernest Hemingway? I picked up a fondness for The Simpsons, which mig be the best break up show ever. I even started watching YouTube spirituality and health gurus who really shaped a lot of my goals and beliefs, like Freelee the Banana Girl and Teal Swan. Then I really lost my shit and was going crazy, so I bought a ukulele.

Heartbreak can really make you forget who you are. I was lost in the sorrow still from even younger traumas and heartbreaks from high school, even deeper traumas from middle school.

I went through A LOT to reclaim myself. From EVERYBODY. Abusive men, abusive friends, abusive family members, and the ever abusive SOCIETY that makes us fucking terrified of things like goingg out to dinner with ourselves!

I came home and finished my senior year. The lessons still didnt stick. I was strong enough to do pretty much everything on my own but was still dependent on the transient approval of men around me. I did a lot of solo drives in my car. A lot of trips to the farm down the road for no reason other than to stare at the cows and turn around. I was not out of the hole yet, oh no. In fact I was still fucking falling.

Eventually I went back to South Africa. I had to do it over. I needed a second chance, to appreciate things with a whole heart. To not let someone rob me of my experience again. I did it bigger and lonelier. I made some of the best friends of my life, but not after overcoming my fear of other people. For the first time I realized… I loved my friends. I stopped dealing with hurtful or negative people.

And now I am on my way home from that year in South Africa with a stop or two in Asia. I write this from a beautiful solo dinner. Some might find this terrifying but again, this comes natural to me now!

But it happened again. I lost it all. I see this city through the eyes of someone who was abandoned again, not chosen. So I fucking choose myself this time. Am I not a full enough fucking person to be on my own? Will I really let another situation rob me of just being me? Am I really going to let someone else make me question myself? My own poor choices, do they define me? Breaking someone elses heart who did see my worth, what good does that do me?

I thought maybe there would be a happy ending to this story. Maybe it isnt over yet. It definitley isnt over yet! But the Sarah at the end of the story will definitley still go out to dinner by herself, even when I have everything I want. My future partner will definitely need to be accepting of the times that I check into a hotel to simply be alone with sexy makeup on in a bubble bath. Sure, it will be great to find someone who finds me valuable. But I have to truly think that I am valuable on my own first. And just BE. And maybe I envied the guys that broke my heart for their ability to be unapologetically themselves. To be independent. Well fine. Ill be here drinking my white wine planning my next solo adventure… I dont need someone with a dead heart to need me! My heart is alive… its still beating after everything it has been through.

So. I am not dating anyone for a very very very long time. And I am fine being alone in a fancy bistro, dont pity me! I will always be fine with being single. I do not need anyone but myself. And that will make me a better friend. A better person on this earth. Who is free from control and does not control anybody.

(via psych-facts)